new moon, the end a repressed memory
by barbie23
Summary: how did bella realize that numbness was the only way to survive?It occurs at 'the end'of new moon. please review!


Author's note: this was the first time I was inspired to write-while reading 'new moon'. Of course I am terribly attached to the story and please, please review and let me know what you think. Thank you so much. Of course owns all things twilight!she's a godess!hope you enjoy!

THE END

A repressed memory

….The sleep had not calmed me down. Had not given me enough strength. But I could still fight it. I climbed up the stairs slowly, wishing for something to change in me… When I entered the room, everything was the same…painfully the same. I clenched my jaw and headed to open the window. I needed fresh air It would run through my face, emptying my head, leaving me numb. That was my bargain. The only thing I could endure. All these days I was thinking about the worst possible thing that _I could live through_. And this was not one of them. As I reached the window with my hand and touched the cold, hard wood, _it_ hit me like an electrical current. All the memories, everything in the slightest detail. His black eyes in the biology class, the rescues, the tender words, _his broken promises_, his leaving…. I could feel it running through me. I was on the floor now. It concentrated in my chest. And then I could feel it. I could feel the hole creating itself. I knew that my heart was gone, destroyed. My soul, of course, had already abandoned me willingly. The pain was becoming more intense, acute. I instinctively put my hands around my torso, holding it together as hard as I could, afraid that more holes would be created, leaving nothing but pieces of me. Suddenly, that thought made sense. I was never going to be whole again either way; but still my hands were holding as tightly as possible. I could no longer breathe as the tears were storming out of my eyes, so many that wiping them would not help. I was gasping for air- since I wasn't breathing I had to find a way to keep my promise, stay alive. But it wasn't only the pain. Of course not. I was trying to define the other feeling that was torturing my mangled body. Burning. My forehead, my lips, my fingertips, my throat, every part of me was burning. The way his thirst had been burning him for so long. And like his, it could not be satiated in any way. Not any more.

The pain however was growing stronger-was that even humanly possible? But I was far gone from human boundaries. I should have expected it. The man I was lying on the floor for, was not…. human. It was only _reasonable_ that the pain would be much, much worse. The tears were still running wild and the gasping continued. I was so relieved that Charlie wasn't home, not that I could repress this in case he was present…

I was trying so hard not to think about _him_. His thought just made the pain, the burning, everything a thousand times worse, maybe more…I don't know how many hours I was lying on that floor, I had once again lost track of time. The pain, the profusion of all these torturing feelings was not getting any tolerable. "You have to do it" I was thinking to myself. "Stop thinking" my voice spoke in my head. "But never forget" it commanded steady, determined. I heard a whisper. Was it …possible? But soon , too soon I realized that _I,_ I was whispering. The gasping had not entirely stopped but I was able to whisper to myself… "Let go… You're not that fragile, that… _breakable._ Let go." I followed my commands. I loosened my grip. "Get up. Don't think." I tried to get up but it was difficult, more difficult than my voice thought. But still the voice insisted "Get up." I turned around, my eyes staring at the floor, afraid that my lungs would slip out from the hole in my chest….

I channeled what strength I had left to my hands, and to my surprise it was working. After a few moments I was standing, staggering to the bed. When I was in the bed, I closed my swollen eyes, no more tears- actually no more water in the body left to transform itself into tears-and thought of nothing, forgetting nothing as the voice, my voice, had commanded. I made a deal with myself that night. There would be no more tears, no more pain in my chest, and no more thinking of_ him_. That was the most important part of the agreement. I repeated it out loud to make it clear to myself "No more thinking of _him_. _Of them_" I corrected, and spoke no more. I embraced the initial idea. Numbness. Emptiness. That shouldn't be so difficult, I was already empty. There was no meaning in anything any more. I let those two words become my lullaby, not for that night only, for every night… And so I slept. The nightmare was there. The nothingness in the forest. The pointless, frustrating search. But there was another nothingness to be noticed. The nothingness in _me_. Empty, numb. My lullaby had hypnotized me. I felt nothing. I thought of nothing. The decision was made last night. There was going to be no utter misery or utter bliss- that of course was no longer an option. There would be nothing. Nothing.

And there was nothing. Just survival. Keeping a promise that now seemed long lost in the maze of my unconcsious……

OCTOBER….

NOVEMBER….

DECEMBER….

JANUARY….


End file.
